shi_koi | Night Angel

I've never been afraid of the dark. Odd yes, I know. After all, most kids would ask to leave a light on at night-time, or keep their bedroom door open.

Me? I used to hide in corners and sleep wrapped up without light. In one of the many places I stayed in as a child, I would hog the bottom bunk and hang my jumpers from the sides to block out the light. I couldn't sleep, you see. I couldn't sleep unless I was in absolute darkness. It was the only time I ever felt safe.

If I couldn't be seen, I couldn't be hurt.

I've often been told I was a strange child, much too mature in some ways, yet beyond naive in others.

I used to sleep huddled against the wall so that my guardian angel could sleep next to me. Yes, I still believe in angels. But this angel in particular was my favourite one. He only ever came out at night, and I had to keep my eyes shut or else he'd leave. I thought of him as moonbeams and magic and shadows. As elusive as a breeze and as constant as gravity.

I didn't speak to him once.

I always knew when he was there, and I never told anyone. He was my secret. I couldn't let anyone know.

I think I outgrew him around my sixteenth birthday. He just didn't come one night. I didn't sense him there, didn't feel safe, or loved, or wanted. And it hurt.

I had known him for over ten years, and suddenly...he just wasn't there.

Yeah, I know what you're going to say. But he wasn't a made up imaginary friend. I never even spoke so much as a word to him, my angel, I never saw his face, never touched him, never did anything except wait for him then fall asleep.

I wish I could feel his presence again.

I've always loved the dark. I feel warm and liked, protected and cosseted by it's utterly complete embrace. The sun hurts my eyes in ways I can't imagine, but in the night, in the darkness, there are only feelings.

There are no angry looks, no dismissing glances, no leers, no pitying eyes that hold you and then discard you like yesterdays newsprint.

In the dark, I can be myself.

But you know what? I'd give it all up to just feel my angel next to me again.

Hugs,

~Shi-koi~