shi_koi | Goodbye 2019 (Reply)

Well, here we are yet again. Time does seem to like to move in fits and bursts. Crawling by one moment, then leaping ahead the next. I never do know where I stand.

I'm not bothering with any new resolutions this year. My only goals are the same as ever, and there's no point in rehashing them eternally, year after year.

What can I say about 2019? I mean, it wasn't my worst year, but it was far, far from good. Especially at the end there. Just when I thought I was starting to cope, and things were beginning to look up, bam!! Bad stuff. Bad stuff which is now still ongoing.

However, on the flip side, there were quite a few good things to come out of 2019. For one, thanks to The Kings Avatar, I discovered webnovels. Chinese webnovels to be more precise. Not light novels, which I have bought and read in the past - nope. Things like the incredible works of MXTX, and especially Mo Dao Zu Shi, which was not even the two hundredth thing I read, but even further down, and yet which has pretty much taken over my life, in a very positive way.

So, on one hand, lots of health, living, and money problems, and living somewhere where the weather is so bad a storm ripped off the windows from the side of the house. On the other hand...more books? Or just things to read in general.

I must admit there was a very steep learning curve. I still have to stop and research what the hell the individuals are talking about half the time, and there are so many cultural issues that blindside me, and cultural nuances which zip over my head until someone kindly points them out, so I don't seem to get the full view of what I'm reading, but...it's a start? And I am learning new things. So yay?

Overall, thank you 2019 for showing me something new, and on the other, your damn ending betrayed me. Lets hope things get better in 2020, but I'm not actually counting on it. I think we're in it for the long haul, and by 'in it' I mean a bad time.

At least I still have Tony. I've been fighting the urge to slit my throat for months, and he's pretty much the only thing currently keeping my mind together. I sliced myself up on Christmas day. I shouldn't have. But I made the mistake of getting drunk for the first time in a decade, and my brain couldn't understand why I wasn't hurting for once, so I cut the first time to see if I could still feel anything, and like an addict, once that first cut is made, it's difficult to stop. I didn't cut deep enough for stitches, and the blood kept the makeshift bandages (made from kitchen towel and armwarmer) in place until I was sober enough to actually care for them, but still. I worry about my self control.

Please, please, please let 2020 be better than this year.